Love to eat

Birthday Malaise

Posted: October 19th, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Everyday | Comments Off

I’m turning 39 in too few days. I don’t like the sound of it, I’m very uncomfortable admitting it, but that’s the way it is. And there, I said it.

Does it mean something to turn 39? It feels like it means something to turn 40, most surely, but 39? It has been weighing on me as I feel I need to accomplish something “meaningful” before I exit my 30s, so as not to feel that I wasted an entire decade. Your 20s are for wasting and figuring it out and your 30s are for getting it done, right? I succeeded in wasting my 20s, but didn’t manage to figure anything out. My 30s were a scramble to figure something out, try to make things right, and hurry to get it done. But I’ve always been bad with time. I am a tortoise, molasses, a tough cut braise. Slow. Really slow.

I will be celebrating my 39th birthday in NYC, having dinner at Per Se. It is a luxury that will make me more fully appreciate being almost 40. I most certainly would not have been able to afford that meal in my 20s and my 20-year-old self would balk at the extravagance. But I know that when I sit in that dining room, I won’t feel that awkward crush of being the youngest, or most poorly dressed, or most inexperienced diner in the room. I still bear some cache of youth, but with a respectable burnish. I’m looking forward to that dinner.

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